My Immune System Is Shit.

This up and down weather really has my inside all sorts of mixed up. I almost threw up on a PetSmart employee during my lunch break while buying my dog medicine. (Poor guy is battling super dry skin). I would go into detail, but if I start talking about my dogs I’ll never shut up. 

Since I don’t feel 100% I’m not sure if I’m going to workout tonight, but I’m eating well and I’m drinking my water. Wearing my Fitbit is a big help because it tracks a lot for me and I can enter my food and water to help me stay on track. I just feel so lazy when I don’t run and lift, but I need to get better damnit! I keep reassuring myself that this is a life style change and that things will come up. 

Don’t give up. Keep going. 

Also, it reall sucks that I have a desk job, because even though I love it (most days) I hate sitting all day. It makes me feel unproductive even though I work my ass off mentally while I’m here. That’s another good thing about the Fitbit, it reminds me to move every hour. Even if it’s up and down the hallway or squats in the supply room, I get up and walk/move. 

I think that’s all I’ve got today. I’m going to attempt to get some work done before I throw up all over the fucking place. Send some healthy vibes my way! 

Day 9.

My double chin is starting to disappear. THANK GOD. That’s when I know I’ve gained weight…it shows in my face immediately. Luckily, I’m only nine days in and it’s starting to fuck off. 

Drinking water is hard, but I have my 33oz water bottle and I’m chugging away! I really need to step my game up though, because I used to drink a gallon a day – every damn day! I loved the way it made me feel, even though I constantly had to pee. 

Side note (sorry guys) dieting when you’re PMSing may be harder than anything I’ve ever done. Like, I’m bloated, which makes me want to cry AND I want to eat EVEYRHING. But, nope I NEED TO STAY STRONG. I’m not going to lie though, I’ll sneak a Hersey kiss (or 5) if I’m craving chocolate. It’s either that or kill someone… 

I finally ordered some pre-workout and it’s suppose to be here tomorrow! HOLLA. I cannot wait to have that extra umph when I’m running and lifting. I take that shit and it’s like my alter ego, who may or may not be related to the HULK, comes to life. 

I think that’s it for Day 9. Trying a new chicken recipe tonight for dinner andddd I need to get my squat on. Peace out. 

Negativity.

It wouldn’t be so hard to workout and eat right if I didn’t want to throw up every time I looked in the mirror. Isn’t that awful?? I honestly think it’s because I worked my ass off to lose 25 pounds and then turned around and gained almost all of it back. I’m so FUCKING disappointed in myself. I was doing SO FUCKING WELL.

Okay I’m done bitching. I’m not losing hope. I’m feeling better today, so I will workout! I’ve also been eating really well (minus Saturday). I just need to stop being so fucking negative, but some days it’s really hard.

My mindset last time was that it took me years to put it on, so it would take me years to get it off. Consistency is key! Plus, not drinking is really going to make a difference. Even if I have to refrain from looking in the mirror for a couple months, I will continue to work at it.

Shaun (my stud of a boyfriend) has been really helpful though. He’s been helping me find healthy recipes, AVOIDING CARBS, and he’ll even workout with me which has been awesome. Anddddd he tells me I’m still beautiful and sexy even though I know he’s a big fat liar.

SO from here on out, NO MORE NEGATIVITY.

Of Course I’m Sick.

EVERYTIME I start a healthier lifestyle I get sick. Every. Time. If I sneeze one more time I’m going to lose my shit. It’s almost like the universe is testing me. “Oh, you thought you’d make some changes? I think fucking not”.

Like, do I workout? Do I sit here and get my rest so I feel better? I’m not really sure what’s right or wrong and it’s frustrating. I guess maybe if I eat right (even though I’m not that hungry) I can still count it as moving in the right direction.

Also, my boyfriend wants to make me breakfast but all of the options included CARBS. No, no, no! I settled for eggs and some sausage, with a side of Emergency-C. Maybe I’ll have some whole wheat toast…I did tell myself as long as it wasn’t white, it was okay. (My biggest downfall is rice, mashed potatoes, and white bread for my subway subs – fuck multigrain flatbread).

I figured if I don’t eat carbs during the week, they’re acceptable on the weekends as long as I’m working out. (Only Saturday and Sunday – mostly because I’m Italian and I can’t just let go of pasta…). Also, I’m really going to try and drink once a month, IF THAT. I need to say goodbye to beer. It’s done me wrong too many times.

I’m gonna eat and go back to sleep…

“New Year, New Me” Bullshit.

I’m not going to sit here and make a cliche list of my New Years resolutions. I don’t like telling myself that I only have this one year to become a completely different/perfect version of myself. I don’t understand why anyone liked to put that much pressure on themselves anyway. Kind of setting yourself up for failure somewhere along the line, and I feel like in the end that holds you back ever more. 

I like to think that instead, I’m somewhat restarting my mindset. I already have goals for myself, and honestly I just want to feel good. I don’t need to lose 30 fucking pounds and look like a Victoria secret model, but it would be nice to walk past a mirror naked and be like “you look hot” rather than “sup lil debbie”.

I just want to eat healthy and work out as hard as I can, as much as I can! Set some guidlines and hold myself accountable for my actions, and I will do just that. I’ve decided I’m going to weigh/measure myself once a month so I’m not constantly having to look at a scale…and wanting to smash it against the wall. ITS JUST A NUMBER.

All in all, I’m pretty excited to see what happens this year. Hello, 2017, let’s fuckin’ do it. 

God Damn Pizza Logs.

I broke down and had a pizza log last night. I’m not proud. At least I worked out? 

Didn’t have time to workout today because we’re throwing a party and I was running around like a mad woman! (Almost hit my 10,000 step goal doing that alone). 

I am going to eat so badly tonight. Hopefully I throw up tomorrow when I’m hung over. HAHA, just kidding, that’s terrible. 

But seeiously, I’m already down two pounds, so a little reward seems appropriate. Happy New Year’s Eve to all my mom-existent readers. 

Day 5.

Is yellow rice a carb? (Insert photo of Regina George here). Because I may or may not have had the littlest bit of it with my turkey burger last night….whoops. To be fair, it had veggies in it!

I do plan on having some pizza on Saturday because we’re having a New Year’s Eve party and I don’t give a fuck. Yolo. I figure having carbs once a week won’t make that big of a difference, right?

But, besides all of this, I think I’m doing pretty well! No breakdowns yet. I’m not starving myself, and if I’m craving chocolate, I let myself have it! I’m staying under or right at my allotted calories, I’m working out, and I’m drinking my water! 

I think my biggest issue is that I never workout on the weekends. I take Friday-Sunday off because I’m usually hung over, and then on Monday I feel like absolute shit. I need to STOP DOING THAT! Even if I only workout Friday. Or maybe Friday and then Sunday. That would be ideal, but I’m not promising anything just yet. 

So since I know I’ll probably be hungover on Sunday, IM GOING TO TRY and workout today AND tomorrow before the party! 

Sausage, egg and cheese McGriddle.

I swear to god I could cry because the office smells so good right now. Almost every day, the other girls get breakfast. Today, they chose McDonald’s. One of them got a sausage, egg and cheese McGriddle and I am DROOLING.

I sat here and ate my clementines, because I’m a fucking champion.

I have excepted the fact that I eat when I’m bored. (Insert ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ gif here). Since I decide to eat super often and snack way too much, I’m going to try and look at this entire “diet” thing from a different perspective.

I used to smoke cigarettes and somehow I quit cold turkey. So, I’m going to look at food like it’s a cigarette. So, just like smoking a cigarette when I got into the car, every morning with my coffee, after every meal, etc. I’ve noticed that I like to eat in a pattern as well and I need to ween myself off of that pattern.

I figured I would do the simplest thing first, which is to swap shit food/snacks with healthier options. Which meant throwing away all of the junk food in my desk drawer…replacing it with rice cakes and fruit.

So cheers to not eating every fucking thing in site!

When working out makes you feel even more fat.

How is it that I feel better sitting around eating shit food than I do right now while working out on the treadmill? I just ran and am currently walking and I feel like it’s completely pointless. Maybe it’s the guilt of not working out for four months. Maybe it’s the fact that I know there aren’t going to be instant results. It also doesn’t help that I’m bloated and PMSing…

At least I’m on the treadmill, right? 

In other news – today, I told myself I would only eat carbs once a week. (Multigrain flat bread from subway is not a carb…because I can’t say goodbye). I also compiled a list of other foods that I’m no longer allowed to eat. Just your usually white girl list – no fast food, no pop, etc. 

My biggest issue is the god damn beer. I love it. I love beer. But, I can’t drink it every weekend because it’s hindering my ability to look decent naked. So, beer drinking will be cut down to a once a month kind of thing. 

Boom. Day 2. Still fat, still hungry. 

So I just realized I’m fat, now what?

I think it was the combination of my boyfriend’s mom getting me a jump rope for Christmas, the fact that all of my pants feel tight (including my yogas), and my Grandma straight up calling me chubby as I shoved my face with Christmas cookies that made me realize I’ve become a fatty. 

Last year I kicked my own ass and lost twenty pounds, and over the last four months I’ve managed to gain all of it back. I moved home before moving into my new house with my boyfriend….which lead to eating like shit and completely ignoring any intention to workout. 

I’m 25, 5’3 and I’m currently weighing in at almost 175 fucking pounds. I honestly can’t believe I’m right back where I started. Like, PUT THE FOOD DOWN, DUDE. 

I hate being back at square one, looking in the mirror at all of the cellulite on my legs and my fat ass. (Not phat, just fat). Like, you blink your eyes and you’ve gained a muffin top and a double chin. How do you workout and eat well for almost a year and then just let yourself go again?

So now what? I pulled a Bridget Jones and threw away all of the bad food, terrible snacks and holiday left overs as I listened to inspirational music. I just need to find some fucking motivation…

I’ve decided to blog, so that I can old myself some-what accountable for what I shovel into my mouth and if I decide to stick to my workout routines or not. I’ll just pretend that people care or that someone will even read this. 

Time to take some disgusting before photos, praying that there will be kick ass after photos in a few months. Godspeed.